If You Liked It Then You Should Put A Name On It

I like to name things. By giving things names I can also create personalities and attitudes. I can make villains and heroes and simple folks and royalty out of inanimate objects. Unfortunately, I've run out of my own objects to name and with exception of my friend Steve Mumford (who let me name his stuffed lion "Lala Salama" and his blanket "Col. Waffle") nobody seems to want to put my super awesome naming skills to good use.

Until Swatch opens a position up in their naming department (totally my dream job) I've made up this list of 100% original and 100% available names. If anything strikes your fancy, feel free to use it!

Candy bar (w/nuts) : Chuckle Up
Candy bar (w/o nuts) : The Barely Bar
Toothbrush : Mr. Bristle Pants / Miss Bristle Butt
Cell phone : Hobo Robo
Home (very small apartment) :
Home (house) : The Abyss
Car (old/small) : Put-Put LaRue
Car (old/large) : Vroom-Vroom Saskatoon
Car (new/large) : Ego
Car (new/small) : Id
Rabbit (male) : Squire Berrymen
Rabbit (female) : Velma Winterbottom
Cat (overweight and gassy) : Saturn
Cat (male) : The Honorable Nigel Chigger-Bottom
Cat (any) : Scabby McAsthma
Dog (large/male) : Duncan(must speak with an English accent)
Dog (small) : Peccorino de la van der Pook
Dog (gassy and barky) : Plinko the Stinko
Dog (pug) : Wheezy McSqueezebox
Hermit Crab : Salinger
Dental retainer : Gumdrop
Rock Band Guitar Controller : Bellamy
iPod : RickDees (all one word)
iPhone : DickClark (all one word)
iPad : IraGlass (all one word)
Stuffed Animal (bear) : Mister Yosemite Mustard
Stuffed Animal (cat) : NeilDiamond (all one word, do not shorten)
Stuffed Animal (dog) : Senor/Senorita Oops-a-Poop
Stuffed Animal (exotic) : Col. Hummus / The Dutches Falafel
Doll (female) : Lady Pillow Face MacNoodle
Doll (female, but totally gay) : Ellen Etheridge, Librarian to the Stars
Doll (male, but totally gay) : Elton John-John von Sherlock, Detective to the Stars
Security blankie : Bieber