2009 was not a banner year…but it didn’t suck balls either. It was sort of ho-hum in parts, disappointing in other parts, terrifying in others and exhilarating in other.
The only thing 2009 was consistent in was it’s speed of delivery, somehow going from Valentine’s Day to Halloween in the blink of an eye.
I know this phenomena isn’t exclusive to me, and it’s one of those thing that as a child adults always talked about and I never believed. Until about 7 years ago, which, if you asked me, really only took about 17 hours to pass.
In addition to a brand new year, people are talking about the start of a brand new decade. The interwebs is chock full of “Best of the Decade” lists, in every conceivable category (Best commercial? Best sports team season?) which puts extra strain on my already addled brain. I can’t even tell you my favorite book of the year, much less the decade. Wait, scratch that, my favorite book this year was totally Boilerplate. Never the less, decade lists are far beyond my ability right now. Try me next decade.
So, what good am I, you wonder? What kind of “end of the year” blog is this, you’re asking yourself (maybe)? Well, using my above below average math skill I have matriculated my year into events that add up to the sum of 2009.
Let’s begin
1607 --Number of miles driven round trip to and from Chicago
0031 --Number of blogs I published
0001 --Number of haircuts I got
0008 --Number of nights my Mom spent in the hospital when she broke her back
0115 --Amount in dollars I lost while gambling in Las Vegas
0026 --Number of “Signed In” podcasts Superfro recorded
0000 --Number of times Superfro asked me to be on his podcast
0022 --Number of nights I spent in a hotel or other paid accommodation
0011 --Number of bands I saw play live
0004 --Number of babies born/adopted into my family
0080 --Amount in dollars of the most expensive meal I ate
0104 --Number of books I read (excluding single issue comic books)
_______
2009
I’m pretty sure I could have kept going until the year 2525 had I factored in the number of pieces of cake I ate(12), the number of times I saw Dennis Miller in a random crowd of people in San Diego(3), number of times I wet my pants in public(4), number of Facebook friend requests I declined(2), number of people who declined my Facebook friend request(1), number of trips I made to UPS in Hiawatha(51) and the other 200 things I listed on my first draft…but it was 2009 so I had to stop where I did.
You’re welcome.
Happy 2010!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Things That Should Have Been On My Christmas List
There is not much gift exchanging going on in my family this year. For the most part we all buy what we want, we're all a bunch of spoiled brats with no concept of waiting for something. "Making a list" was becoming a chore for everyone and we'd all just put things on there we really didn't want or need just to give people options. While the whole season has been relatively stress free, I've been plagued by thoughts of things I could have put on my list, had I made one (which I did, right here, curing my plague).
LeSportsac bags. I'd pretty much take any style, and pattern. So long as it's not fake I want it in my filthy hands. And because they are 100% washable I'll be able to clean off whatever filth I get on it. Which makes LeSportsac the ideal bag to use when stealing food from a buffet, which I would NEVER do, unless it was a donut buffet.
The Swatch Infinity Watch. A camera. An mp3 player. A watch. Swatch. This watch is still in the prototype phases so I'm S.O.L., at least until next year!
A delightful little cottage in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. A/C, plunge pool and western style toilet a must. Outdoor bathtub and rice paddy views a plus.
The PiCross 3D game for the Nintendo DS. Really, this is more for Superfro. It's supposed to be out here in the United States eventually but we're getting pretty tired of waiting. The Japanese edition would be just fine.
LeSportsac bags. I'd pretty much take any style, and pattern. So long as it's not fake I want it in my filthy hands. And because they are 100% washable I'll be able to clean off whatever filth I get on it. Which makes LeSportsac the ideal bag to use when stealing food from a buffet, which I would NEVER do, unless it was a donut buffet.
Just what the picture says, laser hair removal. Legs and armpits, thank you very much. 
Tickets to see the Elvis Cirque du Soleil at the new CityCenter in Las Vegas. Not front row though because I don't want to strain my neck look up.
Tickets to see Muse in Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas and/or all points east of Chicago. Also, their entire catalog on 180 gram vinyl. Also, a little sit down with the guitarist Matt Bellamy where I will ask him very important things like 'Seedless watermelons...how do they do it?" and then we will laugh and smile and become the best of friends. Then I won't need tickets to the shows, so really, this might be the better of the 3 Muse related gifts.
A tuba and some refresher lessons. And a promise from my sister that she will not try to throw it at me.
Adidas Stan Smith sneakers with the triple velcro. Size 9 womens, 7 mens. Color unimportant but I do already have them in pink pearl and baby blue velour, so keep that in mind. These shows are second only to all my Keen Mary Janes.
A "round the world" ticket from the OneWorld Alliance featuring American Airlines. A R.T.W. ticket can take me around the world in one direction with as many stops as I want, so long as I don't double up on airports. Any of you jerkstores who don't think I could make the most out of a R.T.W. ticket, so much so that I would break the system and they would have to cease selling them, well...you can go suck a butt.
Of course I still want a smart car. Nevermind the fact that I don't even have a driveway and could not get a smart car serviced within 3 hours of here, I still want one. I want to drive it right up to Manchester Iowa and onto my father-in-laws lawn, honking and knocking over his birdbath and his stupid blue glass globe thing and yell "Hey douche bag! I didn't get run off the highway!"
And a very merry Christmas to you too.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Lost Vegas
Date: December 2009
Location: Nevada
Observations: Passive
Conclusion: Fucked
In Las Vegas bars are called "night clubs", they have curtains and velvet ropes and one syllable names like "Oval" and "Purge". Suited nightclub reps stand at attention outside, passing out coupons for free admission or free drinks. If you spend less than a minute watching them the level of style profiling becomes thickly apparent. The woman with the 4 inch heels and the mini-dress, already tipsy at 3:00 in the afternoon, she's a target. Me? Not so much. At one point, while Superfo and I were walking through the MGM Casino, a nightclub rep eagerly handed vouchers to the couple in front of us and also behind us. Loudly Superfro said "Oh, They don't want us in there?" to which the woman nearly choked and said "Oh no, no, I didn't mean...here..." pushing the vouchers our way. We laughed at her and kept moving. I'm sure the irony was eventually lost on her, but not on me. They don't want us in there.
SIDENOTE: When the fuck did pairing an untucked dress shirt with a pair of jeans become "dressing up" for guys? Just because your jeans cost over $100 does NOT mean they are "dress pants".
Almost immediately after the encounter with the nightclub rep I started seeing the rampant incongruities of the casinos, the city itself and the people visiting. I can't call them tourists because they aren't there to tour anything, or to even see anything, they are there to be seen.
But it boggled my logical mind. Do people really come to Vegas so that they can impress a casinos with the money they spend, in the hopes of getting something they won't have to spend money on? It sure seems like it.
Does the $50 I spend on a meal get me the same service as the same amount spent by a skinny woman in designer clothes and a trophy handbag? No. Simple answer, no. We both might put a twenty into a slot machine and we both might come out empty handed but one of us is getting free drinks while shaking hands with the one armed bandit, and it's not the one wearing adidas sneakers.
How do I know this? Because I felt the look of the women working at Wolfgang Puck's Grill, the intense distaste when they realize that one of them HAD to help me because it was their job. If it was up to them they would have both let their eyes glaze over and continue looking past me at some imaginary point on the horizon. But there I was, invading their domain, looking to be seated at a table at their restaurant, maybe order some food and even eat it. How. Dare. I.
Las Vegas made me feel too many emotions all at the same time; hopeful, excited, worthless, invisible, rich, centered, tired, poor and sometimes even a little ill. It wasn't my first time there, but it was the first time I saw the city for what it really is; a cesspool of well perfumed mannequins riding skateboards of other peoples dreams.
Location: Nevada
Observations: Passive
Conclusion: Fucked
In Las Vegas bars are called "night clubs", they have curtains and velvet ropes and one syllable names like "Oval" and "Purge". Suited nightclub reps stand at attention outside, passing out coupons for free admission or free drinks. If you spend less than a minute watching them the level of style profiling becomes thickly apparent. The woman with the 4 inch heels and the mini-dress, already tipsy at 3:00 in the afternoon, she's a target. Me? Not so much. At one point, while Superfo and I were walking through the MGM Casino, a nightclub rep eagerly handed vouchers to the couple in front of us and also behind us. Loudly Superfro said "Oh, They don't want us in there?" to which the woman nearly choked and said "Oh no, no, I didn't mean...here..." pushing the vouchers our way. We laughed at her and kept moving. I'm sure the irony was eventually lost on her, but not on me. They don't want us in there.
SIDENOTE: When the fuck did pairing an untucked dress shirt with a pair of jeans become "dressing up" for guys? Just because your jeans cost over $100 does NOT mean they are "dress pants".
Almost immediately after the encounter with the nightclub rep I started seeing the rampant incongruities of the casinos, the city itself and the people visiting. I can't call them tourists because they aren't there to tour anything, or to even see anything, they are there to be seen.
But it boggled my logical mind. Do people really come to Vegas so that they can impress a casinos with the money they spend, in the hopes of getting something they won't have to spend money on? It sure seems like it.
Does the $50 I spend on a meal get me the same service as the same amount spent by a skinny woman in designer clothes and a trophy handbag? No. Simple answer, no. We both might put a twenty into a slot machine and we both might come out empty handed but one of us is getting free drinks while shaking hands with the one armed bandit, and it's not the one wearing adidas sneakers.
How do I know this? Because I felt the look of the women working at Wolfgang Puck's Grill, the intense distaste when they realize that one of them HAD to help me because it was their job. If it was up to them they would have both let their eyes glaze over and continue looking past me at some imaginary point on the horizon. But there I was, invading their domain, looking to be seated at a table at their restaurant, maybe order some food and even eat it. How. Dare. I.
Las Vegas made me feel too many emotions all at the same time; hopeful, excited, worthless, invisible, rich, centered, tired, poor and sometimes even a little ill. It wasn't my first time there, but it was the first time I saw the city for what it really is; a cesspool of well perfumed mannequins riding skateboards of other peoples dreams.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Muse in Las Vegas - Dec 12th, 2009
Superfro and I took a quick trip to Las Vegas last weekend to enjoy the musical stylings of the band Muse. Jeremy took a few short videos during the show which I will now share with you via links to them on YouTube.
This first one is from the end of the opening number, "Uprising".
Uprising!
Next is "Hysteria". Watch for a special cameo of yours truly at the end of the song when Superfro pans over to show the crowd.
Hysteria With Bavarian Erin Cameo
Next is a partial clip of "Plug In Baby".
Plug In Baby
And last was "Knights of Cydonia", a song which has been called "a spaghetti western space opera". There's a big finish, don't miss it!
Knights of Cydonia Face Melter!
The show was part of a local radio stations "Holiday Havoc" concert series. It was held at the Hard Rock Hotel's venue called "The Joint", a new and very modern place that offers ample floor room as well as box suites, reserved table seating around a balcony and reserved stadium seats for 4000 or so attendees.
This first one is from the end of the opening number, "Uprising".
Uprising!
Next is "Hysteria". Watch for a special cameo of yours truly at the end of the song when Superfro pans over to show the crowd.
Hysteria With Bavarian Erin Cameo
Next is a partial clip of "Plug In Baby".
Plug In Baby
And last was "Knights of Cydonia", a song which has been called "a spaghetti western space opera". There's a big finish, don't miss it!
Knights of Cydonia Face Melter!
The show was part of a local radio stations "Holiday Havoc" concert series. It was held at the Hard Rock Hotel's venue called "The Joint", a new and very modern place that offers ample floor room as well as box suites, reserved table seating around a balcony and reserved stadium seats for 4000 or so attendees.
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Sweet Smell of Christmas Cookies
I've done a wee bit of baking this year, including this sweet little snowmen. I saw a picture of them in a cookie magazine but I made a few adjustments on mine.
The photo had larger cookies, and used Life Savers for the ear muffs. For mine I used gumdrops that I cut in half. For the noses I used orange gumdrops cut into triangles and then shaped by hand into pointy noses. I used chocolate chips for the eyes, the original photo used brown M&Ms. Red licorice was used for the ear muff bands and the mouth.
For the cookie itself I used store bought Ready to Bake Pillsbury cookies, which, in my opinion, are the greatest invention in the last decade. I did roll them into more uniform balls and flatten them slightly before baking.
The frosting is also store bought vanilla.
I don't make things any harder than they need to be. Sure, I want them to be pretty, but they are going to end up a mess in your belly, so you might as well take every shortcut you can!
The photo had larger cookies, and used Life Savers for the ear muffs. For mine I used gumdrops that I cut in half. For the noses I used orange gumdrops cut into triangles and then shaped by hand into pointy noses. I used chocolate chips for the eyes, the original photo used brown M&Ms. Red licorice was used for the ear muff bands and the mouth.
For the cookie itself I used store bought Ready to Bake Pillsbury cookies, which, in my opinion, are the greatest invention in the last decade. I did roll them into more uniform balls and flatten them slightly before baking.
The frosting is also store bought vanilla.
I don't make things any harder than they need to be. Sure, I want them to be pretty, but they are going to end up a mess in your belly, so you might as well take every shortcut you can!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Mobile Masterpieces
I just realized that I have some awesome pics on my cell phone and that I can upload them here for all to see. Some are old, some are new, all are pointless.
This first one is of some sugar cookies that Superfro decorated. He decided to get creative with the Rudolph decorations, in an untraditional way.
I hope you enjoyed my little picture show, I'll try to be more timely with them next time!
This first one is of some sugar cookies that Superfro decorated. He decided to get creative with the Rudolph decorations, in an untraditional way.
This is Paxton, in the same spot, but looking much less menacing!
I hope you enjoyed my little picture show, I'll try to be more timely with them next time!
Caught In The Act!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Day That November Came & Went
The entire month of November is gone and I have very little to show for it. All the blogs I've written in my head somehow didn't make it online, apparently there is no application that lets you upload thoughts generated while trying to fall asleep directly to Blogger. Shame.
But really, my month was better than some people's. Namely, my Mom's, whose month was even more "lost" than mine, spent mostly in a painkiller induced haze under the covers of her queen sized bed.
On November 8th Mom and her husband, Bob, were enjoying the mild weather with a horse ride at my Uncle Rick's in Decorah, about 2 hours north of Cedar Rapids. Mom was riding a 3/4 horse who was later named 'Annie'. Mom was a wee bit complacent while riding gentle Annie and was not holding the reigns as tightly as she should have. Annie decided to go for a little run and Mom bounced right off, landing on her butt.
A trip to the Decorah hospital followed and after x-rays it was determined that Mom has a "compression fracture" in her vertebra. Compression fractures in the spine occur when a person falls onto their butt, compressing the vertebra like a spring. The folks at the Decorah hospital sent Mom up to Rochester Minnesota, to St. Mary's, one of the Mayo Clinic hospitals. It was determined that surgery would be her best option and on Tuesday, Nov. 10th, a team of doctors spent 6 hours inserting 9 titanium screws and a few rods into 5 of her vertebra. They stabilized the one broken vertebra by using the two above it and the two below it for support.
My sister Tracy and I arrived at St. Mary's while Mom was still in surgery. Once she was out the struggle to get her comfortable began, and frankly, it wasn't until a few days ago that it ended.
Moving was painful for her, being touched was painful, her clothes, the bedding her skin, the IVs...it was all either painful or irritating. In addition to the surgery, she would have to wear a brace anytime she was out of bed for the next 3 months. The brace itself is uncomfortable, encircling her torso and tightened with 6 Velcro strips.
When she arrived home on November 15th my sister and I began a cycle of visitation, trying to let Bob get as much sleep as possible since he was the one who was up attending to her needs 24 hours a day. Uncle Rick's wife, Dana, came down to help, giving Bob some much needed rest and also giving Mom a new face to look at.
With each visit I could see Mom getting better and stronger. She required fewer and fewer doses of the pain killers and it got easier and easier to get her up and out of bed. Even the time she spent out of bed has grown, from just a quick trip to the toilet to several hours spent on Thanksgiving night around the dining room table. When I saw her yesterday she was getting up out of be without any assistance, a marvelous feat!
During this whole process, any thought I ever had about joining the ranks of medical field was disintegrated. I have no idea how nurses do it, but they put up with people when they are at their worst and keep coming back, day after day. My patience just is not that strong. I love my Mom but I'd be a liar if I seeing her in a fragile, vulnerable, needful and impossible to please state didn't grind me down emotionally. However, it took only a glance at the 8 inch long incision down her back to remind me what I could have lost that day, and put everything into perspective.
It'll be a few more months before Mom doesn't have to wear her brace, but until then she will resume her weekly bridge games, shopping and even her "snow bird" status will only be delayed a few weeks. In nine months or so I imagine she'll even be back at Uncle Rick's, riding a horse, this time with a white knuckled grip on the reigns.
But really, my month was better than some people's. Namely, my Mom's, whose month was even more "lost" than mine, spent mostly in a painkiller induced haze under the covers of her queen sized bed.
On November 8th Mom and her husband, Bob, were enjoying the mild weather with a horse ride at my Uncle Rick's in Decorah, about 2 hours north of Cedar Rapids. Mom was riding a 3/4 horse who was later named 'Annie'. Mom was a wee bit complacent while riding gentle Annie and was not holding the reigns as tightly as she should have. Annie decided to go for a little run and Mom bounced right off, landing on her butt.
A trip to the Decorah hospital followed and after x-rays it was determined that Mom has a "compression fracture" in her vertebra. Compression fractures in the spine occur when a person falls onto their butt, compressing the vertebra like a spring. The folks at the Decorah hospital sent Mom up to Rochester Minnesota, to St. Mary's, one of the Mayo Clinic hospitals. It was determined that surgery would be her best option and on Tuesday, Nov. 10th, a team of doctors spent 6 hours inserting 9 titanium screws and a few rods into 5 of her vertebra. They stabilized the one broken vertebra by using the two above it and the two below it for support.
My sister Tracy and I arrived at St. Mary's while Mom was still in surgery. Once she was out the struggle to get her comfortable began, and frankly, it wasn't until a few days ago that it ended.
Moving was painful for her, being touched was painful, her clothes, the bedding her skin, the IVs...it was all either painful or irritating. In addition to the surgery, she would have to wear a brace anytime she was out of bed for the next 3 months. The brace itself is uncomfortable, encircling her torso and tightened with 6 Velcro strips.
When she arrived home on November 15th my sister and I began a cycle of visitation, trying to let Bob get as much sleep as possible since he was the one who was up attending to her needs 24 hours a day. Uncle Rick's wife, Dana, came down to help, giving Bob some much needed rest and also giving Mom a new face to look at.
With each visit I could see Mom getting better and stronger. She required fewer and fewer doses of the pain killers and it got easier and easier to get her up and out of bed. Even the time she spent out of bed has grown, from just a quick trip to the toilet to several hours spent on Thanksgiving night around the dining room table. When I saw her yesterday she was getting up out of be without any assistance, a marvelous feat!
During this whole process, any thought I ever had about joining the ranks of medical field was disintegrated. I have no idea how nurses do it, but they put up with people when they are at their worst and keep coming back, day after day. My patience just is not that strong. I love my Mom but I'd be a liar if I seeing her in a fragile, vulnerable, needful and impossible to please state didn't grind me down emotionally. However, it took only a glance at the 8 inch long incision down her back to remind me what I could have lost that day, and put everything into perspective.
It'll be a few more months before Mom doesn't have to wear her brace, but until then she will resume her weekly bridge games, shopping and even her "snow bird" status will only be delayed a few weeks. In nine months or so I imagine she'll even be back at Uncle Rick's, riding a horse, this time with a white knuckled grip on the reigns.
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